Overnight Subaru With Red Wine And Jellybeans
Dawn breaks over Bramley Mountain. When you cross the rubicon of no longer being able to sleep in your car, you’re done for. Waiting for the ferry across the Styx with a coin under your tongue. The boatman lifts his hood, eases into the current and you’re supermarket beef, bleeding under plastic, slouched against the forgotten boredom of your sell-by-date. At six in the morning with the seats down, a middle-aged knight in effigy watching dawn granulate over the heated rear-windshield of a Subaru knows what the real story is. Between the bed you didn’t sleep in and the shower you won’t take: the cracked-door piss and the Dentyne toothbrush. Between cell service, the fake morning, the fake restaurant, fake farm, fake smile: falls the shadow.
The following recipe can be made anywhere in the world using slightly different ingredients. But the principles are the same.
OVERNIGHT SUBARU WITH RED WINE AND JELLY BEANS
1 Subaru Outback
1 shikibuton lightweight foldable futon
1 sleeping bag
1 pillow
1 bottle red wine, screw-top
1 non-stemmed glass
1 small bag discount jellybeans (not Jelly Belly)
1 iPhone with pre-loaded podcast and earbuds
Scout during daylight hours. Once darkness has fallen, perfectly amiable locations will take on sinister intent; it is important to have banished imaginary spooks ahead of time. In general, familiar territory will prove more reassuring. Empty parking areas for obscure trailheads, grassy driveways of friends’ cabins when they are not home. Never ask. Humiliation is a constant threat, so all car sleeping must be undertaken in secret.
Prepare bedchamber early, possibly in supermarket car-park, so as not to be flapping about later in the dark. Fold rear seats down, removing all obstacles to establish maximum perpendicularity. Deploy lightweight shikibuton, which will instantly fill the rear of a Subaru Outback nose-to-tail, door-to-door, transforming it at a blink into a cosy bedroom whilst eliminating body contact with carpet or rubber mats. (Note: choice of futon is important. A true shikibuton is two inches thick, folds three ways without wrestling or cramming and can be easily stored in the trunk, barely reducing cargo space). Place pillow front/centre, abutting central arm rest for additional head support. Arrange sleeping bag to create perfect image of cosy tent interior trembling in anticipation of your sleepy presence. Place wine bottle in one rear map pocket, glass in the other. Do not store together, it looks bad. Place jelly beans in either. Do not keep up front or you will eat them during the day and there’ll be none left when you lie down.
Stay out late, being certain to be properly tired – preferably exhausted – before arrival. Movie theatres are warm, have late shows (the movie itself is of no consequence) and require useful time-killing journeys afterwards. If possible, obtain a final night-cap at local saloon or roadhouse. Check texts, emails, social media and Guardian headlines one last time. Camping location will inevitably have no reception.
Approach chosen destination with care, being sure to check nothing has changed since pre-scout; no cars, no lights in houses or structures. Pull up in a single, swift motion, progressing as far from the road as possible. Turn off headlights and engine immediately so as to vanish. Crack one window. Remove keys from ignition, extinguishing all interior lights and preventing pinging when opening door for final piss. Open door for final piss.
Return to driver’s seat. Remove shoes (and socks if required), leave in foot well, close to pedals. Tomorrow you will slip them on and drive away without having to perform gyrations or open any doors. In a single deft motion, turn and crawl into rear, being certain to bring charged iPhone and earbuds. Remove trousers and outer layers, slip into sleeping bag. Take a moment to thrill at how cosy you feel before reaching for bottle, pouring stiff glass of wine. Open jellybeans. Deploy earbuds. Note: despite all doubts, you will be asleep before David Willcocks completes his lilting reflections on the Fauré Requiem. Be sure to replace cap on wine after pouring (you won’t return to it), and store glass somewhere it cannot tip over (you won’t finish it).
Sleep soundly at perfect temperature for seven hours, turning only occasionally.
At 6 am, wake to birdsong. For the next hour you are an archeologist unearthing rooms in the house of yourself you’d forgotten existed; beds unmade, eggs hard-boiled and uneaten. Except instead of scraping at the earth, you’re squinting at the ceiling. Which is beige and seems to be made of fuzzy-felt. And sand is falling into your mouth. Alone keens the eye for truth. It’s a discipline. Hold onto the railings of alone and try not to puke.
Extract yourself from sleeping bag, pull on trousers and outer layers, crawl into driver’s seat. There is no need to open any doors, be cold or get your feet wet. The new piss pushing at the lemon of your prostate will wait. Turn on car, close window, pump up heat. Apply socks and shoes. Once warm, open door, scamper a few feet, urinate, return to car. Leave immediately, as if you were never there. You did it.
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Author’s note: at 7 am, McDonald’s has decent coffee, but the toilet in Price Chopper is preferable, being out of view down a long corridor, clean and invariably empty. Enter the store with a basket like any normal shopper then detour to do your business. Other good evacuation facilities include the public library and town hall. If a shower is required, seek out a public swimming pool.
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